Storm

I saw a one word prompt: Storm. This is what I wrote. It's pieces of a childhood memory.

Urine ran down my legs like the rain that came down around us. No one noticed. I didn't tell anyone. I shamefully stood there covered in pee.

The rain was really coming down. My mom was driving down Highway 59 toward home. We lived in Alief, so it was the early 80s. I'm not sure if my sister was born yet, but I'm pretty sure my mom and step-dad were separated at the time (They have been married twice. That's another story for another time).

Things are so jumbled in my mind. I don't have clear memories before fourth grade. I question the images I see in my brain. Are they real memories? Maybe I'm just recalling stories I've heard or pictures I've seen. Maybe it's all been made up by my brain.

I do remember the rain from that day though. The wipers moved rapidly over the windshield trying to keep up with the water being dumped on the car from the clouds above.

At some point, our car spun around three times. I'm not sure if my mom lost control and hit someone or if we were hit. I know it didn't take a full minute for our car to spin three times, but once we were in motion, it seemed like a while before we stopped. The storm raged on around us.

We spent time in the rain waiting on the police and tow truck drivers. I was soaked from the rain. My clothes stuck to me, and I shivered from the cold. I wanted to be safe at home with my Nana watching TV. I wanted the rain to stop and the sun to shine to bring me warmth.

I felt alone among the adults while they took care of business. We found cover in a parking garage, but no warmth. It continued to pour. I remember male voices. I can't picture my mom. I see me, small and skinny, standing in the parking garage watching the rain. I was scared. I was cold. I had to use the restroom. It didn't seem like the right time to tell anyone. They had grown-up problems to deal with.

At that moment, I decided to just pee. How would anyone know? I was already so wet from the rain. I don't know what I was wearing. I'm not sure how I got home that day. I do remember the feeling of release and warmth when I urinated. I felt relief and shame all at the same time.  It was embarrassing to stand there like that, but I was without a voice.

I am often taken back to this moment when I feel stress.  I get afraid when I'm driving in the rain because I can feel my car spinning around three times and being left out to shiver in the rain invisible to those around me. I don't like to have on wet clothes.

This was not the first storm I weathered in my childhood or the last.