dreaming

I struggled with today's writing. I was trying to write something more upbeat, but it's not what I have inside me right now. I started a piece on belonging, but I couldn't quite get the words right. Here's a peek into my dreamland.  

Last night I dreamed I was hanging out with some girlfriends. These girls have been my friends for around twenty years. We met in college. Over the past couple of years I have felt a strain between us. There were three girls in my dream. One I'm very close with, but in the dream she kept making excuses to do something else. One of the other girls was pointing out everything wrong with my apartment. She didn't like the food I was serving or the dishes I was using. She wasn't happy with the options I had for seating. She was being very difficult. The third girl was an ex-friend. She stopped being friends with me over a year ago. She has been acting like a middle school girl and trying to turn other friends against me. In the dream, she was using my favorite pink cup that says, "Princess" on it. I was so angry that she was using that cup.  It was like she was replacing me among our friends.

Dreams have always fascinated me. I remember doing a research paper over dreams my senior year of high school. I am always trying to figure out why I have the dreams I do. What do they mean? What is my subconscious trying to tell me?

My biggest fear in the whole world is alligators. I'm terrified of them. I can't even stand to see them on TV. I know in my mind this fear is totally illogical.  I can even pinpoint when it started. I was watching an episode of "When Animals Attack" on Fox. There was a lady in Florida who was talking about walking to her car with her groceries. She heard a hissing noise and thought it was a tire.She looked under her car and there was a large alligator. It wasn't just hearing this terrifying story on TV. I felt the fear once a week when I attended classes at University of Houston, Clear Lake.  When you enter the campus, there are signs that state "Beware of Alligator". After seeing these, I kept imagining leaving class at 9 PM and there be an alligator hissing under my car. The fear grew from here.

When I'm highly stressed, I'll dream about alligators. I'll be in situations where they are near me. I'll be in situations where I am running from them.  I'll be in situations where I'm scared to death. I know when I start dreaming of alligators that I'm stressed or worried about something. I wish I would dream of something else because I'm so scared when I wake up.

When I feel out of control in my life I have a reoccurring dream about driving a car from a backseat. This car is always traveling down a freeway with lots of curves and overpasses. It's ridiculous how scary these rides are. I didn't even know it was possible to drive a car from the backseat.

I recently had a reoccurring dream about having a baby. In the dream, I always had a little girl. I would exclaim, "I finally have my Miriam." These dreams would make me sad and confuse me. When I didn't have another baby by thirty-five I was so sad. I always wanted to be pregnant again and have another baby. I definitely wanted a little girl so I could have my Miriam Elizabeth.  It took a little while, but I finally came to terms with not having anymore babies. Then I got heart disease and found out how high risk it would be for me to be pregnant again. So, when the baby dreams started, I was confused. If I had made up my mind that I was over having babies, why was I having these dreams. I even had one dream where I found an abandoned baby girl and was still ecstatic to have my Miriam. I felt like I had to mourn the decision not to have a baby all over again.

One final dream that I encounter all the time is a house we used to live in shows up all the time. It was our house on Spring Grove. Some of the dreams that I have here take place in the past and some the present. We moved out of this house when I was sixteen. We only lived there a short time. So, why does this house always show up in my dreams?

The other night I dreamed that my family was moving back there without me. They said I could come, but I couldn't bring my stuff. Then when I said I would leave stuff behind, I was told I could have my big room back to myself. My mom said I would have to share it with my dad. I couldn't understand why my family was treating me so poorly in this house that means so much to me. In real life, I'm having some struggles with them. My mom upset me Sunday night, so it probably triggered this dream. But, why this house? Why?

They say dreams are a window to the soul. I'm not sure what my soul is based on these dreams I have shared. There is so much I am still trying to understand about my dreams and who I am when I am awake.