Belonging

We all want to belong. For some, it's easy to find the group/groups they mesh with. They fit in with ease; without effort they make friends and get involved.

This was not me.
I did not belong.
I did not have a group to be part of.
I was a square peg among the round ones. It was difficult to grow up this way especially since I wanted nothing more than to fit in.

At school, I managed to make a friend so I was not totally alone, but I never belonged to a group. Since my mother was so unreliable when I was younger, I was not able to join after school activities or have friends that lived far away. I mostly hung out the the young kids in the neighborhood and had one good friend at school.

As I got into high school, I had a few friends, but still never fit into a group. I was on the outside, getting a peek into what it was like to belong. I was never a legit member. I had friends in band, theater, sports, etc. I just never fit int he group. I envied their groups and bonds. I still had just one or two people I was really close to; people that I did everything with, but I didn't really belong.

When I went to college in the fall of 1994, I signed up to rush a sorority. My mom was really pushing me to do this; I think it was because she was never in one. I went to the first meeting with Panhellenic and felt like I did not belong. Plus, I did not like all the rules they were imposing on rushees. For some reason, rush was being held once classes had started instead of in the summer, so the rules of silence were so crazy to me. So, I dropped out. My mother was pissed, but I didn't feel I was going to belong with these sororities and their rules. At the same time, I wanted to belong to something so bad!

In the spring of 1995, I returned to college after a rough break at home. I needed to make friends and find a way to belong. I walked through the mall area of our campus on a cool spring morning and found my group. There was a table for a local sorority (only at my college--not nationally on other campuses). They said they were different. They were diverse. I signed up for more information, got invited to my first rush party, and the rest is history. Among these girls I found my group. We were all so different and brought different things to the group, but I fit with them. We were all square pegs, but fit together in the same sisterhood. I have watched these women grow up, become mothers, strong leaders in their professions, and still my best friends.

As I've grown and changed, I'm belonged to other groups. I've worked at schools where my coworkers felt like family. I've had other jobs where we were a small, family. Jobs where we were all diverse and each brought something different to the table, but meshed well together. I've been part of groups and classes where I have made friends and we continued to hang out. I feel like when all my friends come together from the many different groups I've been a part of, there is a phenomenal mix of people.  I like to look at my friends and not see sameness. I like that we are different. I like how we challenge each other, but still belong together.

Over the last few years, I feel like I belong less with people I've known a long time. Is it because I have changed? Have they changed?  I have had some lonely times and wish for the days when it was easy to get everyone together. To belong again. I feel part of nothing sometimes.  I want to belong. I want to be part of what is happening.