I Had Enough!

I’m a rule follower. I always have been. I only break the rules if I believe there is a good reason to break them. Otherwise, I’m a “by the book” person. I did not get in trouble in school. I was always shy and quiet. I kept to myself.  I was always reading a book or writing a story. I definitely did not do anything to get sent to the principal’s office. So, it was a surprise to everyone when I got in trouble had to visit the principal in seventh grade.

The incident happened on the bus ramp after school. I know that Nana had already died, so it was after October, but I didn’t have my braces on yet, so it was before May. There was a boy who picked on me every day. He would only see me on the bus ramp, while we waited to be picked up and shuttled home. He would talk about how ugly I was and how my teeth were terrible (I clearly needed the braces I got in May). Every day he called me names. Every day I silently ignored him. He clearly rattled me, but I was not witty enough to have a come back. I just tried to keep walking and get away from him.

After Nana died, there were a lot of feelings inside. Plus there was build up from this boy being mean to me everyday. One afternoon, I’d had all I could take, and I blew up. I pushed him and told him to leave me alone. If I had just yelled at him, it would have not been as bad, but I put my hands on him. I was so angry inside. I was tired of being called ugly. I was tired of being teased.

A teacher took our names down. I probably cried (I don’t remember, but I cry at just about everything). I went home on the bus. I do not think I said anything to my parents about it. They wouldn’t understand. 

The walk from my classroom to the principal’s office the next day was terrible. I was scared of being in trouble. I never broke rules. I was not a mean kid who pushed kids around. I didn’t even call kids names.  I planned to tell the principal the whole truth; I was going to tell her how this boy picked on me everyday and I had enough. I was hoping she would believe me.

I sat in a chair in front of her desk. The boy sat in a chair next to me. This made me scared. How could I tell her how he teased me all the time with him sitting there? the principal asked what happened. He told her that I pushed him. I summoned the courage to tell her that I did push him after he called me ugly. And that he called me ugly and other names every day on the bus ramp. I told her I should not have pushed him, but that I could not take the name calling anymore. He tried to deny it at first. She wanted to know why I never told on him before. I shrugged. I did not know what telling would have done. I had to apologize, but was not given another consequence. He had to apologize too and was told to leave me alone. He was not given another consequence either, but was warned there would be one in the future if he continued to bother me.

I went to my locker after leaving her office to get the books I needed for my next class. I felt relieved that I was not sent to detention or in school suspension. I was happy she listened to me. I was also happy the bus ramp was a safer place to be after that day.

Teaching: Not What I'd Thought it Would Be

I had a large chalk board to teach lessons to my sister and the neighborhood children. I had nonfiction books for them to read as textbooks. I passed out report cards. I was only in sixth grade, but I already knew I wanted to be a teacher. I loved "playing school."

When I got into high school, I baby sat my younger children and other children in the neighborhood. I worked with kindergarten children at Sunday School. I applied to a university known for it's education program and set out to be a kindergarten teacher. I wanted to shape young minds. To teach. To make a difference.

I entered the classroom as a pre-kindergarten teacher in 1999. I was so excited to have my first classroom. I carefully decorated it. I labeled everything with my students' name. I soaked in as much as I could during the staff development week so I could be the best teacher I could be. I was ready for my four year old students on the first day.

We were doing an activity in my morning class. One boy wanted his crayons out of his read cubby. I explained we were not using our crayons right now and attempted to redirect him to the activity the rest of the class was doing. He put up his middle finger and said, "Fuck you!" This is how I started my career as a teacher in public education.

I spent ten years in the classroom before I got burned out and took a hiatus. Kids got harder and harder to manage. Parents got less supportive of teachers and constantly insisted that their child WOULD NOT do anything wrong. Administration grew fearful of unhappy parents and backed them instead of their testing. State testing demands grew unreasonable for teachers and students. I was not the teacher I always dreamed of being. I was not even the teacher I went to college to be.

Over my ten years in the classroom, I tried out different grade levels. I even went up to middle school, which were the worst three years of my career. I still had some great students and some great moments, but the bad moments and experiences, outweighed the good ones. It was not the grade level. It was not the school. My passion was gone because teaching was not what it was supposed to be.

I returned to the public school classroom in August 2015 because I could not find a job that paid me enough to support me and my son. It took everything I could muster to return to the classroom. I tried to be positive. I was told to "fuck off" by a high school junior on the second day of school.  I pushed through that first year in the back in the classroom and survived to tell about it, but not without being reminded every day why I left. The students are more difficult to manage. They do not care. They have no accountability at home or school. Everything is the teacher's fault. The parents are still on their child's side when it comes to behavior and academic issues in the classroom ("My child would not do that." "You must have not explained the assignment correctly.")

I find it sad that public education is so broken. I think that should be priority number one for everyone. The students I have in high school right now are the future of our country. They will be making the decisions when my generation is too old to make the decisions. Good teachers leave every year to go to jobs outside the classroom that will be less stressful.