Belonging

We all want to belong. For some, it's easy to find the group/groups they mesh with. They fit in with ease; without effort they make friends and get involved.

This was not me.
I did not belong.
I did not have a group to be part of.
I was a square peg among the round ones. It was difficult to grow up this way especially since I wanted nothing more than to fit in.

At school, I managed to make a friend so I was not totally alone, but I never belonged to a group. Since my mother was so unreliable when I was younger, I was not able to join after school activities or have friends that lived far away. I mostly hung out the the young kids in the neighborhood and had one good friend at school.

As I got into high school, I had a few friends, but still never fit into a group. I was on the outside, getting a peek into what it was like to belong. I was never a legit member. I had friends in band, theater, sports, etc. I just never fit int he group. I envied their groups and bonds. I still had just one or two people I was really close to; people that I did everything with, but I didn't really belong.

When I went to college in the fall of 1994, I signed up to rush a sorority. My mom was really pushing me to do this; I think it was because she was never in one. I went to the first meeting with Panhellenic and felt like I did not belong. Plus, I did not like all the rules they were imposing on rushees. For some reason, rush was being held once classes had started instead of in the summer, so the rules of silence were so crazy to me. So, I dropped out. My mother was pissed, but I didn't feel I was going to belong with these sororities and their rules. At the same time, I wanted to belong to something so bad!

In the spring of 1995, I returned to college after a rough break at home. I needed to make friends and find a way to belong. I walked through the mall area of our campus on a cool spring morning and found my group. There was a table for a local sorority (only at my college--not nationally on other campuses). They said they were different. They were diverse. I signed up for more information, got invited to my first rush party, and the rest is history. Among these girls I found my group. We were all so different and brought different things to the group, but I fit with them. We were all square pegs, but fit together in the same sisterhood. I have watched these women grow up, become mothers, strong leaders in their professions, and still my best friends.

As I've grown and changed, I'm belonged to other groups. I've worked at schools where my coworkers felt like family. I've had other jobs where we were a small, family. Jobs where we were all diverse and each brought something different to the table, but meshed well together. I've been part of groups and classes where I have made friends and we continued to hang out. I feel like when all my friends come together from the many different groups I've been a part of, there is a phenomenal mix of people.  I like to look at my friends and not see sameness. I like that we are different. I like how we challenge each other, but still belong together.

Over the last few years, I feel like I belong less with people I've known a long time. Is it because I have changed? Have they changed?  I have had some lonely times and wish for the days when it was easy to get everyone together. To belong again. I feel part of nothing sometimes.  I want to belong. I want to be part of what is happening.

dreaming

I struggled with today's writing. I was trying to write something more upbeat, but it's not what I have inside me right now. I started a piece on belonging, but I couldn't quite get the words right. Here's a peek into my dreamland.  

Last night I dreamed I was hanging out with some girlfriends. These girls have been my friends for around twenty years. We met in college. Over the past couple of years I have felt a strain between us. There were three girls in my dream. One I'm very close with, but in the dream she kept making excuses to do something else. One of the other girls was pointing out everything wrong with my apartment. She didn't like the food I was serving or the dishes I was using. She wasn't happy with the options I had for seating. She was being very difficult. The third girl was an ex-friend. She stopped being friends with me over a year ago. She has been acting like a middle school girl and trying to turn other friends against me. In the dream, she was using my favorite pink cup that says, "Princess" on it. I was so angry that she was using that cup.  It was like she was replacing me among our friends.

Dreams have always fascinated me. I remember doing a research paper over dreams my senior year of high school. I am always trying to figure out why I have the dreams I do. What do they mean? What is my subconscious trying to tell me?

My biggest fear in the whole world is alligators. I'm terrified of them. I can't even stand to see them on TV. I know in my mind this fear is totally illogical.  I can even pinpoint when it started. I was watching an episode of "When Animals Attack" on Fox. There was a lady in Florida who was talking about walking to her car with her groceries. She heard a hissing noise and thought it was a tire.She looked under her car and there was a large alligator. It wasn't just hearing this terrifying story on TV. I felt the fear once a week when I attended classes at University of Houston, Clear Lake.  When you enter the campus, there are signs that state "Beware of Alligator". After seeing these, I kept imagining leaving class at 9 PM and there be an alligator hissing under my car. The fear grew from here.

When I'm highly stressed, I'll dream about alligators. I'll be in situations where they are near me. I'll be in situations where I am running from them.  I'll be in situations where I'm scared to death. I know when I start dreaming of alligators that I'm stressed or worried about something. I wish I would dream of something else because I'm so scared when I wake up.

When I feel out of control in my life I have a reoccurring dream about driving a car from a backseat. This car is always traveling down a freeway with lots of curves and overpasses. It's ridiculous how scary these rides are. I didn't even know it was possible to drive a car from the backseat.

I recently had a reoccurring dream about having a baby. In the dream, I always had a little girl. I would exclaim, "I finally have my Miriam." These dreams would make me sad and confuse me. When I didn't have another baby by thirty-five I was so sad. I always wanted to be pregnant again and have another baby. I definitely wanted a little girl so I could have my Miriam Elizabeth.  It took a little while, but I finally came to terms with not having anymore babies. Then I got heart disease and found out how high risk it would be for me to be pregnant again. So, when the baby dreams started, I was confused. If I had made up my mind that I was over having babies, why was I having these dreams. I even had one dream where I found an abandoned baby girl and was still ecstatic to have my Miriam. I felt like I had to mourn the decision not to have a baby all over again.

One final dream that I encounter all the time is a house we used to live in shows up all the time. It was our house on Spring Grove. Some of the dreams that I have here take place in the past and some the present. We moved out of this house when I was sixteen. We only lived there a short time. So, why does this house always show up in my dreams?

The other night I dreamed that my family was moving back there without me. They said I could come, but I couldn't bring my stuff. Then when I said I would leave stuff behind, I was told I could have my big room back to myself. My mom said I would have to share it with my dad. I couldn't understand why my family was treating me so poorly in this house that means so much to me. In real life, I'm having some struggles with them. My mom upset me Sunday night, so it probably triggered this dream. But, why this house? Why?

They say dreams are a window to the soul. I'm not sure what my soul is based on these dreams I have shared. There is so much I am still trying to understand about my dreams and who I am when I am awake.